Culminating point of our existence

21 Mars 2017

I have always been afraid of death. When I was a child, I didn't really care about this natural and mystic thing, but when I realized what it really was, I started to be afraid. During middle school, I have been obssessed with death. I thought about it everyday, and my principal feeling and question was : Why are we living if death is the end ? Life is too unfair. Why do I care about having good marks or being loved and love, why do I care about all these superficial things if death is the end ? We spend our life to evolve, to learn about the world, about each other, about ourselves...So why, at the culminating point of our existence, we die ? Why shouldn't we die now, to avoid more sadness, sorrow and suffering ? Wow I was so dramatic.

After that period, I met someone who really helped me to understand my feelings and learn to live without that horrible fear of dying. And I will never forget this amazing women. But I kept dealing with another fear : people who I know will die too : friends, familly, idols...everybody. It is hard, as a human, to accept that.

Two years ago, a person told my whole family she was ready to leave our world. This person was old, weak and tired of life, but this person was loved.

During two years, I was so scared when my parents wanted to talk to me "about something". Each time, I dreaded that one sentence : she passed away. I couldn't prepare myself to this sentence. Even during two years. It is impossible to be prepared for that.

Yet

Three months ago, in the evening, my mom told me that person was very weak, she told me she was expecting the worst. So I kiss her, I spend a moment with her and I went to bed, lately. What happened ? I can't totally remember. I was lying, dealing with that strange calm storm in my head. It was exactly like when I was seven years, when I had to dance in front of hundreds of people. When I was in the backstages, waiting that moment. That unknown moment. I was ready, I knew it would happen. I couldn't escape. But it doesn't matter. I had to be ready. So, just like when I was seven, I thought : "everything is going to be fine". I fell asleep. Sometimes incredible feelings arise in you and help you to face everything. Sometimes it happens.

When I woke up next morning, I learnt this person died during the night. She died when I thought that everything was going to be fine. Sometimes we feel these things. We know something is going wrong. It doesn't mean we are going to feel bad. I was feeling glad. And I can't explain that. The thing I was afraid of during years arrived, and I wasn't afraid at all. I accepted, serenly.

I went to the funeral with my mom. We had to drive during hours. It was one of the best day in my life. On the way, I was listening to music, looking at the beautiful sunset in front of me. And for the second time, I wasn't afraid. I was glad, because I accepted. When you love a person, you love her forever. The love, the link between too persons stay the same. Death can not destroy that. Love is the one thing that transcends time and espace.

For the second time, at the culminating point of my existence, incredible feelings arose in me and helped me to face everything.

Sometimes it happens.

Savannah